Getting it right in my head

I am grateful for Weight Watchers and all those I have been fortunate to "get to know" here online.

I've read several blogs about how getting off track is so difficult to come back from and so totally not worth it.

I'm grateful to you for helping me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing what you are doing to recover and to set yourself up for success as this has helped me to challenge myself to joining the "clean plate club".

I am grateful for my husband and his thought provoking questions into my mind and processing. My husband is a personal/business coach and he for the most part has been "hands off" in my personal journey for the simple fact that I'm his wife. But, when I asked him last night (after a beautiful day spent on the beach for our 26th anniversary), "if you were my coach, how would you help me get back on track?", well I opened that barn door wide!! The questions he asked me were direct and really had me thinking. With each question he removed a layer of dirt to get to the root. And then he asked me, "What scares you about losing the weight?" Wait, what? I'm not scared of losing weight. Am I? Turns out, I was. I was afraid to make it to my goal. I've spent a lifetime protecting myself with being overweight and I let the remarks of the few as I neared my goal cloud my view. Being in shape and thinner was like going to a foreign country and not knowing the language...I was floundering in the comments of "you're losing too much weight", "how are you going to maintain that", and even the ones of "wow, you're looking sexy"...scared the hell out of me.

I'm grateful that I now have given myself permission to be healthy, fit, and yes more attractive. I'm thankful that I have learned that what I do is for me and what other people think about what I'm doing is REALLY none of my business. I am worth it to take the time, money, resources and gumption that I have inside me and use whatever it takes to make it to MY goal. I'm grateful that I've learned that my fear of success WAS greater than my fear of failure. Failure was and is familiar. I'm thankful that I've tasted success...it is sweet!

My challenge is real. My desire is great. My strength is growing.

Why?

I started Weight Watchers a little over 3 years ago. The first 18 months were fabulous, filled with the highs of losing weight, managing my eating, working out consistently and blogging regularly. The following 18 months...not so much. I've consequently gained back 35 of the 75 pounds I lost in the first 18 months to my big disappointment.

I know all about the fact that I need to forgive myself, leave it all in the past and just move forward, making the next right decision...blah, blah, blah...but damn, I hate it! I remember the hard work and dedication it took to achieve the 75 pound loss and I feel like I just pissed it away by falling into bad habits.

I know, you say, it could have been worse...

The truth is, it is what it is. I DO have to leave it in the past and just move forward. But, how?

I believe I need to find my new "why". What drove me 3 years ago to begin Weight Watchers and to put my energy into this specific program? After re-reading the blogs I wrote then, I've discovered that I still have the same desires (be healthy, feel great, like what I see in the mirror, be around for my children and now grandchildren), I have the same opportunity (plenty of time {actually more time}, access to gym equipment, the ability to walk/run and the place to do it, the money to buy the right foods, and the skills to cook my way to health) and I have the same access to the tools to succeed (Weight Watchers and all their online tools, C25K running app, and knowledge).

So what's stopping me?? Laziness? Fear? Stubbornness? Apathy? Menopause? Empty Nest? 

Has my "why" has lost it's strength? Do I need to re-define my "why"? Let's explore...

So what is my "why" now? What do I need to do to get that fire back?

What is the main reason for me to lose weight?

Health. Why do you want to be healthy?

Because I am afraid of the diseases that have plagued my family (high blood pressure, diabetes, strokes, heart attacks, etc.).

Why? Because they are debilitating and lead to early death.

Why is that bad? Because someone will have to take care of me and or I will miss out on seeing my children get married, have children or other wonderful milestones and they will grow older not having their mom/Amma around.

Why is that so bad? Those are happy times I don't want to miss and I want my healthy life to be an example to my children and grandchildren so that they too can lead healthy happy lives.

So healthy = happy. Yes!

Any other reasons to lose weight?

To like what I see in the mirror.

Why?

Self esteem is a big part of being happy too.

Why?

Because it is self appreciation.

Why is that important?

Because you can't truly appreciate and love others if you don't feel that way about yourself.

Why?

Because it starts with self and spreads to others. Loving oneself fully and unconditionally leads to loving others fully and unconditionally.

Why?

Because you see the importance of accepting someone just the way they are to see the beauty beyond the surface.

Anger, frustration, impatience, unworthiness, pain (emotional and physical), disbelief, misunderstanding and other negative emotions are basically telling me that I'm off track. On a more definitive level, these emotions come about when there is an absence or separation from oneself or the spiritual guide within by looking at what is or what was as opposed to looking at what is good about any given moment, situation, person, place, job, or any occurrence in life. In the presence of appreciation, love, gratitude, peace, joy, acceptance...aka what is good...there is calm, happiness, peace, joy, well being, hope, and serenity (peace of mind). When there is peace in the mind the soul responds, the body responds, the brain responds, and your emotions are at rest.

Getting "off track" just means that I've started looking around outside myself for answers and lose sight of the "track" and miss a turn. Getting back "on track" simply takes a re-positioning of my train (of thought) back to looking through the windshield instead of the rear view and side mirrors. 

So I got off track...so what! That doesn't mean that I can't get back on track. It starts now!

It begins by constantly inviting gratitude into my day by appreciating what is already mine. It starts with small stuff, like the pillow that I lay my head on, then the big stuff comes, like the amazement and wonder in the laugh of my girls, the softness of Ken's touch that says "I love you", the seeming miracle of a beautiful sunrise or sunset, the love I feel from everyone I reach out to in love. Appreciation is guided by grace and grace is present in loving and loving is a part of everyone. How big of a part of me is love? That depends on who I love first...I have to start with loving me first and it is much easier to love others, start with appreciating what I have to offer to be able to appreciate the goodness in others. I need to see the beauty and good in me and the beauty and good in everyone and everything will also be there.

Every single day is a gift and an opportunity to share the love inside with others around me, how will I choose to present it? I choose now to present it with gratitude, thankfulness, forgiveness, goodness, appreciation, joy...in other words with Pure Unconditional Love. That love starts with me. I need to love me no matter what I've done, what I've said, who I've hurt, whether or not I've failed. I've forgotten how to love myself. I need to love me like I love my best friend. I need to be my own best friend and I will find that it makes me a better friend, spouse, lover, parent, child....Person.

Lori...you got this!!

Transformation...

Over the years, I find that all that is within me is constantly changing, transforming as it were into something unusual.
Something powerful.
Something wonderful.
Something that I couldn't have predicted or imagined.

I once heard that growing is painful, magical, and spiritual. Now I know all three are true.
As I continue to grow toward that person I'm designed to become, I can only hope for patience with the pain, awe in the magic and gratitude for the spirit.

Opa!

You've been talking in your sleep

Why is it that I sacrifice myself for the acceptance of others when the one I most need acceptance from IS me? I am baffled by this often...too often in fact!  It's funny that when searching for someone to say "well done" or "nice  job" or "impressive" I forget to look to the person who should appreciate me most...me, again. When seeking love, pats on the back, forgiveness, compliments, praise...who knows best what to say? Me. So why is it so hard to say it to myself? Funny how after years and years of "looking for myself", I can't seem to look at myself in the mirror anymore without judgement, criticism, & even shame sometimes for not believing in myself and my own abilities as a person.  I let people steal the best of me and replace it with a person I don't like being around. I have to learn to appreciate me, regardless of what I receive from anyone else. I have a lot to offer and a lot to say. I just need to start speaking the language to me!

Time is on Our Side

Time is on Our Side! What a load of crap! 


I feel like time slips away from me so fast that I hardly recognize where it all goes ... even in a single day! 


From the minute I crawl out of my bed in the morning until I bury my head in the pillow at night (or usually the wee hours of the morning) my day seems to have been in light speed with me stuck in an alternate state of time going "now hold on a second"!


For crying out loud ... there are only 159 shopping days until Christmas! For those of you who calculated...I didn't count Thanksgiving because most stores are closed then. 

My point is that it seems like I just popped the top on my sparkling cider bottle to the tune of Auld Lang Syne yesterday. 

So what have I done in 200+ days since then? Well if I calculate the 50+ hours a week that I work + the 6 to 8 hours a day that I sleep + the 2.5 hours a day I probably spend preparing something to eat and then eating it + the 30 minutes a day X 5 days a week that I drive to and from work + the 6 hours a month I spend grocery shopping + the 4 hours a month at Walmart or some other discount store for toiletries + the 45 minutes a day that it takes me to get ready for work .... 


I'm seeing it doesn't leave much time for my favorite 3 "F's" Family, Friends and FUN!  


So what to do?  


The craziness is that I spend so much of my time and energy on "work" that I damn sure better enjoy it...so from today on that is exactly what I'm going to do!  


I take back my "FUN" side and I make my job fun!  Because trust me when I say that I've stepped into the night of the living dead many times at work lately and it is difficult not to get stuck in the quicksand and smother right along with everyone else...but I know there is goodness in everyone and I will be determined to find and highlight it so that I will have grand days, every day!


A toast...to Time! May you always stop when there is laughter to share, praise in the air, gladness in the heart and when a party is about to start!  Freeze the moments and graft them into the memory to always be shared again!


Cheers!

Just an FYI from your friendly Drive Thru Order taker at your Favorite Fast Food Restaurant!

Okay...Drive thru workers unite!

It has been needing to be said for a long time what really goes through the mind of your drive thru order taker...so here goes:

We don't care that it is raining, snowing, windy, or any other form of bad or possibly good weather for the reason you do not roll your window down to place your order...DO IT and speak clearly if you want your order to be correct, or simply get out of your car and come inside to place your order.

If I ask you to repeat your order, it does not mean that I need you to SCREAM so that I can hear you, it may be that I was also being engaged by the person at the window who couldn't remember to order everything at the speaker and wants to add something before they pay!

I don't really care how much fun you had at the bar or that you have 3 giggling girls in the back seat that you're taking home, I am simply here to supply the food that you will later throw up in the toilet...I have an idea...just go home and flush a $10 bill down your toilet and save me a headache!

Do me a favor...if you are all paying in cash...figure out your own math and don't insist on having 5 separate orders in the SAME CAR!

Honking your horn in line only slows me down...nuff said!

Just because the sauce is free to you...doesn't mean it is free to the company...be reasonable or one day it will no longer be free and you will get mad at me for something I have no control over.

I'm okay with the fact that you like your food made "special" but since you don't want someone who is handling dirty filthy cash making your food don't expect me to make sure that I make it right.

One last thing, if you think that my job is so easy a monkey can do it, I'll gladly hand you the headset and wait 15 minutes before you walk away stomping, screaming, or possibly whimpering with your tail between your legs.

Have a nice day/night and do come back now...ya hear?